I'm just back from 10 days of sunshine in Grand Cayman. It's super tough for me to "turn off". I deeply enjoy my work, so my brain is always buzzing with ideas. Go, go, go, it cheers. This past year, I've been pretty hard on myself, especially after our ectopic pregnancy.
As we’ve been trying for a family for 1+ year, the rollercoaster of fertility has been a true life hurdle. Even though I feel like I shouldn’t, I feel sadness, guilt + shame. I wonder how the process of building a family would’ve been different had I not been sick with cancer. The chemotherapy I received during my 2nd bout with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma certainly impacted my fertility. It is a miracle I didn’t go into early menopause + I am grateful for that. I wonder, did I have an ectopic pregnancy because of the chemo? Unfortunately, there is no known reason why ectopic pregnancies occur — there are risk factors, but I don’t fall into any categories.
Regardless, this has been tough. All around me: pregnant bellies, pregnancy announcements, newborns. My heart wishes we’ll have ours soon.
There is so much information on fertility/infertility out there — I am often overwhelmed to sift through. It’s challenging to know when to make certain decisions. I frequently have to remind myself that I’m doing the best I can. You are enough.
Acceptance has been a giant lesson for me. As an event planner, I’m quite used to lovely calendars + sketching out our schedule months in advance to squeeze the juice out of life. I’ve had to adapt to become more fluid. Kindness + compassion have been pillars as we continue to navigate this space. I do feel the sense of heaviness through my body; but I keep positive - knowing goodness ebbs + flows.
I wish I had a magic potion to lift us up while we’re down. We keep moving forward + keep the faith that our time will come. You are enough.